The Hottest and Sexiest Dark Lord
by ErikandChristine
Summary: Have you ever wondered what's inside Voldemort's head? Maybe you have. But do you want to see it? Welcome to the Diary of The Hottest and Sexiest Dark Lord! Please R
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

Dear Diary,

Today is going to be so much fun! Harry Potter is now a loner. Dumbledore, the old fool, is dead. And I am still the hottest guy alive! Nothing can defeat me now.

So for this occasion I'm going to have a party. The greatest Death Eater party ever. Well I'll make an even better one when I defeat Hairy Potty and rule over the world. Oh yea… It'll be like Hitler coming back to life except in a magical world.

So, anyway about my extremely great party. We are going to put curlers in our hair; well the people who **_have_** hair mine is all gone (I'm using the Hair Pro-active Applier). Then we're going to paint our nails and give each other facials and trust me just because I'm cutest deformed looking Dark Lord doesn't mean I can't have facials. Oh wait hang on I need to get the evil chocolate chip fudge brownies out of the oven…

Ahh that's better. Damn these cookies are as evil and delicious as me. Back to my party. After that we're going to burn down the Malfoy's mansion and roast Marshmallows around the fire.

Then we'll tell each other muggle ghost stories and poke Draco with our wands until he screams like a girl. I was also thinking of tickling him with a feather but that works too.

Next we'll play games. Like Pin The Tale on Dumbledore. And make a Piñata that looks like Harry Potter and smash it onto smithereens. Oh and we are gonna use Draco to play Marco Polo. Hehehe. I crack myself up. After a long and tiring day we'll probably just have a pillow fight.

Oh no diary I almost forgot to mention the greatest attraction of all. We're making Snape do a strip dance for us. Well I have to go now, somebody just found a picture of Dumbledore in a porn magazine. Now that I have to see.

_The Hottest and Sexiest Dark_ Lord Alive


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

Dear Precious Diary, (I think diary sounds more macho)

Well I'm sorry diary I haven't written in a week. But the party was a blast and I got high on cocaine and took some of the date-rape drugs meant for the ladies. Soo I was like unconscious for a while, thank evilness (I mean I wouldn't say goodness, oh damn I said it) that nothing happened to me. Whew I'm still a sexy virgin…

Well now I'm going to think of a plan. I wanted to call together a deatheater meeting but I was to lazy to and I can't find rodent tail or is it wormtail. I always forget. Anyway I just want to tell what happened today. It was so damn exciting.

Snivellus and Bellatricks went and discovered the The-Boy-Who-Lived-And-Defeated-The-Greatest-And-Hottest-Lord was living at the red haired family's house. Heheh I think they call them selves Weasels. But whatever.

Well I went to see if it was true, I was invisible of course I still had my curlers in whatever is left of my hair so I couldn't be seen, and unfortunately saw it was protected by a spell. A spell even I couldn't get through because it involved love. Love, smhove. I mean who wants to love, I mean I love myself isn't that enough.

So I was spying through the window and saw the little scar head changing into his nighties and turn on his night light. I mean I wasn't looking because I wanted to, I wasn't turned on by the way, but I needed to know his environmental….uhh another wordsie thingy here…heheh (I hope that was good coverup imagine the deatheaters finding this and knowing I'm gay, I maen I'm not gay, uh oh).

Well I managed to find out he wears red pajamas—I mean he sleeps with purple covers—No I mean his best friends are the bushy haired girl and the Weasel boy. (Whew got it right this time). After 6 years of tracking him down, being defeated by him and being constantly mocked because of my disfigurement I have finally found a way. We have to destroy his friends. Yup and it took only 6 years to figure it out.

Yea….I'm good. No wonder I graduated top of my year.

The Fcking Sexiest and Freakishly Cut Lord Who is only a Seventh Quarter Actually Living


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

Dear Diary, **(Ha, ha, ha,)**

Hey its me Wromtail oh wait I spelled my name wrong, damn this is permanent ink,  I found this under the "Dark Lords" Pillow by the way(My writings in the dark BLACK  

Today is going to be so much fun! Harry Potter is now a loner **(Like u aren't!) **Dumbledore, the old fool, is dead. And I am still the hottest guy alive! Nothing can defeat me now. **(Pfft I bet there is if u were defeated by a baby)**

So for this occasion I'm going to have a party. The greatest Death Eater party ever **(Umm that party actually sucked but at least I got free cheese!) **. Well I'll make an even better one when I defeat Hairy Potty and rule over the world. Oh yea… It'll be like Hitler coming back to life except in a magical world. **(He knows lots about the Muggles, isn't he the one who hated them?)**

So, anyway about my extremely great party **(There was an extremely great party?)**. We are going to put curlers in our hair; well the people who **_have_** hair mine is all gone (I'm using the Hair Pro-active Applier) **(Yea it hasn't worked yet)**. Then we're going to paint our nails and give each other facials and trust me just because I'm cutest deformed **(Deformed is barely the world)**looking Dark Lord doesn't mean I can't have facials. Oh wait hang on I need to get the evil chocolate chip fudge brownies out of the oven…

Ahh that's better. Damn these cookies are as evil and delicious as me. Back to my party. After that we're going to burn down the Malfoy's mansion and roast Marshmallows around the fire. **(Ooh yea that was fun until the "Dark Lord" began hitting on an imaginary Lily Potter, that was sooo wrong)**

Then we'll tell each other muggle **( See he did another Muggle thing)**ghost stories and poke Draco with our wands until he screams like a girl. I was also thinking of tickling him with a feather but that works too.

Next we'll play games. Like Pin The Tale on Dumbledore. And make a Piñata that looks like Harry Potter and smash it onto smithereens. Oh and we are gonna use Draco to play Marco Polo. Hehehe. I crack myself up. After a long and tiring day we'll probably just have a pillow fight.

Oh no diary I almost forgot to mention the greatest attraction of all. We're making Snape do a strip dance for us **(Yea he enjoyed that a little too much)**. Well I have to go now, somebody just found a picture of Dumbledore in a porn magazine. Now that I have to see. **(ooh shudders I remember that, it made me wet my bed for days, oh god I have throw up somewhere) **

_The Hottest and Sexiest Dark Lord Alive _**(Sexy since when? And he's barely alive I mean we all know about his whorecruxess oh wait that's spelled horcrux, whoops) **

**Well that was fun, oh no he's coming gtg **

**The Hottest and Sexiest Dark Rat (or am I Mouse, its hard to tell) Wormtail**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four**

Dear Precious Diary, (I think diary sounds more macho) **(UH HUH. Macho I think not.) **

**Well its moi Wormtail again, mine is the dark black riting again, now lets see what the dark lord's got for us today…**

Well I'm sorry diary I haven't written in a week.**(Ok he's talking to his diary. Now he some serious issues.)** But the party was a blast and I got high on cocaine and took some of the date-rape drugs meant for the ladies**(No I think the guys mistook you for a lady and gave it.)**. Soo I was like unconscious for a while, thank evilness (I mean I wouldn't say goodness, oh damn I said it)**(Sigh I guess he used permanent ink too)** that nothing happened to me. Whew I'm still a sexy virgin…**(Okay sexy, no…..virgin, always.)**

Well now I'm going to think of a plan. I wanted to call together a death eater meeting **(Isn't that wat u said last time?)**but I was to lazy**(Just like his muggle father, wow now I really hope he doesn't find this. Damn stupid permanent ink, nooo)** to and I can't find rodent tail **(WTF rodent tail? VENGENCE will me MINE! cough )**or is it wormtail. I always forget. Anyway I just want to tell what happened today. It was so damn exciting.

Snivellus and Bellatricks went and discovered the The-Boy-Who-Lived-And-Defeated-The-Greatest-And-Hottest-Lord was living at the red haired family's house. Heheh I think they call them selves Weasels**(Hey its better than Marvalo, what's that a name of canned tuna?)**. But whatever.

Well I went to see if it was true, I was invisible of course I still had my curlers in whatever is left of my hair**(Do you even have any hair left)** so I couldn't be seen, and unfortunately saw it was protected by a spell. A spell even I couldn't get through because it involved love. Love, smhove. I mean who wants to love, I mean I love myself isn't that enough. **(Umm apparently not if u were defeated by a baby)**

So I was spying through the window and saw the little scar head changing into his nighties and turn on his night light. I mean I wasn't looking because I wanted to,**(rolling eyes, wait did I just rite that, oh whatever. I'm sure u didn't want to look)** I wasn't turned on by the way, but I needed to know his environmental….uhh another wordsie thingy here…heheh (I hope that was good coverup imagine the deatheaters finding this and knowing I'm gay, I maen I'm not gay, uh oh). **(Uh oh is sooo right. That was so not a good cover up man, like dude I could've done better than that. Well anyway can't wait to tell everyone he's gay.)**

Well I managed to find out he wears red pajamas—I mean he sleeps with purple covers—No I mean his best friends are the bushy haired girl and the Weasel boy. (Whew got it right this time)**(Uh huh good try, ur still gay)**. After 6 years of tracking him down, being defeated by him and being constantly mocked because of my disfigurement** (Oh disfigurement? I thought that was a HALLOWEEN MASK.) ** I have finally found a way. We have to destroy his friends. Yup and it took only 6 years to figure it out. **(Only? Whats with the only?)**

Yea….I'm good. No wonder I graduated top of my year. **(Wow must've been a preety dumb class)**

The Fcking Sexiest and Freakishly Cut Lord Who is only a Seventh Quarter Actually Living

**(Oh my gosh after reading that I feel the urge to hurl. Excuse me for a moment..**

**(Ok back cough, splutter o my well I gtg its my 8:30 curfew)**


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Diary,

As you can see my writing is very messed up, because my hand is shaking with anger. Someone has found my diary. That somebody I will find.

I found my diary changed from my previous hiding place to behind the stuffed miniature voodoo dolls of Harry and his friends. I can still smell the essence of someone touching it. The smell of a man wearing ladies perfume, the smell of greasy fingers from after eating Doritos. The grease marks are still visible. Man this guys got huge thumbs…wait that is a thumb isn't it…its long…thick….

The fool of a jackass wrote in my diary. I mean come on of all the things. Why would u write in it and especially with permanent ink? OOOOHH someone's gonna get it. The pictures of nude Harry and Severus are gone. GONE! And Severus had such a good pose….

Aw man. Now…VENGENCE WILL BE MINE. Hey this guy wrote that here too…wait a minute his name is right there in bold italics. It's in size 16. Holy why didn't notice it before. It's huge. OMG! WTF! He wrote in my diary. The rat who chopped off his own hand to make me alive again. The guy who did everything I told him just because I'm sexy.

It was Rat tail. Oh wait Wormtail……Wormtail…he knows I'm gay …must find him…hey I wonder how he looks in red…no…wait…must hurt him………

Duh duh duh…(Evil laughter) mu ha ha ha (cough cough) okay I need my inhaler….


	6. Chapter 6

**Voldemort's POV:**

I fumed in as I walked through the large double doors with my cape billowing behind me. It was very sexy by the way.

Anyway I walked up to my place at the head of the table, because I had called together a death eater meeting, finally I had been putting it off for so many days, but seeing that rat-no wormtail had written in my diary I had to call it.

I stormed up to the chair and found…

**Wormtail's POV:**

Finally, after so long, Voldy oh whoops, "The Dark Lord", called together a death eater meeting.

All death eaters were at the table, but Voldy himself wasn't.

5 minutes went by….

10 minutes went by….

25 minutes went by…

10 minutes went by….

Oh wait didn't I say 10, oh I'm not good in math, uh 30 minutes went by…..

"Want to play truth or dare?" Belatrix suggested. Everyone mumbled in agreement.

"Okay Wormtail first." She called.

I backed away. "Why me?"

"Come on, be a good sport." She prodded.

"Here have a sip of this, it'll make you feel better.." Lucius said handing me a dark red liquid. After a moment's thought, yes I can think, I took it and gulped it down….

**Lucius' POV:**

"Aaah," He said licking his lips. "Mmmhh, that was gooodd. Iliked it. Whoohooostillwannaplaytruth and dddareee, Heeehee. I feel all funny, what was in that drink?" he said slurring his words.

I smiled reassuringly, "Oh, don't worry about it." The dolt. He took the drink without so much as a thought. I really have my suspicions that his head is filled with sawdust.

**Belatrix's POV:**

Hahaa. Hilarious. Lucius gave him the drink. What an idiot Wormtail is. Oh well, all the better in a game of truth or dare.

"So Wormtail. Here's your dare: I dare you to sit in the Dark Lord's chair."

"Ha!" I heard Lucius cry out, "What kind of dare is that?"

I turned to him and crossed my arms, "Well, what else should he do?"

He thought for a moment, "He has to imitate the Dark Lord as he sits in the chair."

I shrugged and nodded to Wormtail, who was still intoxicated form the drink.

"Wait!" Avery shouted. "I dare him to dress in a lingerie and then sit in his chair and imitate the Dark Lord.

"Oh," I exclaimed. "That's great…hmm…and I want him to sing a song to!"

Lucius nodded. excitedly, "And he has to dance on the table as he's sings and strip."

I began laughing manically. "HAHAHAHsnortHAHAHAsnort-wait did you say strip?"

He looked away blushing madly. Rookwood cut in whispering to me, "It's okay the Darl Lord is coming and it'll be funny to see his reaction."

I smiled wickedly this is better than torturing the Longbottoms.

**Voldemort (AKA The Hottest and Finest Person around) 's POV:**

I stormed in to find Wormtail on top of my chair which was on top of the table in a beautiful shade of lingerie (if he had worn a pearl necklace the ensemble would've been perfect) and trying to be me.

I clutched my heart and staggered back. Thank God I had horcruxes. I tried to catch a breath and I couldn't help but hearing him imitate me.

**Wormtail's POV:**

So there I sat, all hyped up on a mysterious drink Lucius gave me. I think it had beans in it, 'cause I got a lot of gas afterward, either way it was good.

Next thing I knew I was wearing lingeris and was on top of Voldysnort's chair, which was on top of the table, and wearing lingerie. Next up was imitating.

"Ooooh I'm Voldemort the greatest wizard of all time, even though Dumbledore could have kicked my skinny white ass any time."

"I love the death eaters, mainly the male species as I am gay!"

"Whoops the secrets out."

"Here's another secret, it's true I have no life in bed, if you get my drift and so I practice on the stuffed teddy bears."

"OH look at me, look at me, I can't even kill a baby."

Now for the stripping. I stood up and wiggled around trying to dance and tore of the lingerie like the hulk to reveal my self in a thong….so embarrassing. But for some I reason I didn't care. I think it was the drinks fault.

I was turned to-

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!" I spun around to find Voldemort.

-

-

-

Oh shit….


End file.
